Top 10 Gift Ideas For Tom Brady's 41st Birthday
By Michael Hurley, CBS Boston
BOSTON (CBS) -- Tom Brady is old. O-L-D. Tom Brady is an old, old man. Tom Brady is a frail, little old man. A decrepit, tiny, little, old man ... who plans on not just surviving but dominating in a fast, violent sport this coming summer, fall and winter.
Tom Brady is nuts.
Yes, he's not the first football player to decide to play well past his 40th birthday, but the list of those who have tried is not long. The list of those who have succeeded is ... almost non-existent.
But Brady's dedication to playing in 2018 -- albeit after skipping some spring practice sessions -- shows that the man is not satisfied having already accomplished basically all there is to accomplish in the game of football. Where most men have tapped out, Brady says he feels fresh, fit, and ready to keep on playing for several more years. It must be nice to feel so young at 41.
So of course, on this day, Aug. 3, it is once again time for the Patriots to celebrate Tom Brady's birthday. While Bill Belichick smirked on Monday when asked if he'd get Brady a birthday gift, and while Rob Gronkowski broke out in a hysterical fit of laughter when he thought of a birthday gift but couldn't share it publicly, it's time to really focus and try to nail down 10 perfect gifts for Brady. Considering this is now year eight of this project ... it's getting kind of difficult. But fortunately with Brady, we're always learning new things about one of the biggest stars in sports.
For reference, you can look back at these lists from his 40th birthday, his 39th birthday, his 38th birthday, his 37th birthday, his 36th birthday and his 35th birthday.
But now, it's time to celebrate birthday No. 41.
10. Patriot Of The Week Award
It's time. Our guy has earned it. At long last. Print out on the nameplate: "SIR Thomas Brady." Give him a pat on the head. And give him the accolade for which he's so desperately yearned for oh so long.
9. The Early Discography Of Sum 41
You only turn 41 once, and there's really only one way to properly celebrate: Rocking out to arguably the best Canadian pop punk band of the early 2000s. (It really just depends on whether you'd label Avril Lavigne as a pop punk band or a solo artist. But that's a debate that's raged for centuries and cannot be answered in this space.)
I originally was just going to pick one album for this spot, but honestly, that's just not fair. For one, Brady is supposedly the GOAT and all of that. You can't give the GOAT just one cassette or compact disc. You've got to get him a boxed set. Plus, how are you supposed to choose between the absolute fire of "Half Hour Of Power," the pure sonic perfection of "All Killer No Filler," and the relentless assault that is "Does This Look Infected?"
You can't. You cannot do it. Everyone knows that. So you've got to get Tom all three. He always says he likes music (while almost never revealing what music he actually listens to). But he's probably lacking these three important records. Do the man a favor.
8. Maybe ... Like ... Some Receivers?
OK, not to be disrespectful here, but what in the wonderful world of coconuts is going on here with the Patriots' receiving situation??
Brandin Cooks and Danny Amendola made up 38 percent of the Patriots' receiving yards last year. They're both gone. They've been replaced by Julian Edelman (though he'll be suspended for four games and is coming off a major knee injury), Cordarrelle Patterson (zero 500-yard receiving seasons in his career), Phillip Dorsett (12 total catches last year), and now veteran free agent Eric Decker (whom no team wanted until the Patriots did this week).
It just seems a wee bit precarious a stance for Bill Belichick to take heading into the season. Sure, the backfield is kind of stacked, and the Patriots are fine as long as Rob Gronkowski stays healthy. But if Gronkowski does suffer any dings, what happens to this passing game? If you shudder at the thought, imagine what the 41-year-old Brady might think. (That is, if he were to ever allow himself to think anything negative for even one second.)
This isn't quite the 2013 Josh Boyce/Kenbrell Thomkins/Aaron Dobson/Austin Collie/Matthew Mulligan type of situation. Not quite. But come on. This man is 41 years old. Who knows how many more kicks at the can he's going to get?
Maybe help the man out a little. I'm not telling you how to do it. I'm not telling you there's a magical receiver out there just waiting to be signed. But, you know. Get creative. Be bold. Do something? Just a suggestion. (But do it.)
7. Singing Lessons
Tom Brady can do everything. Except sing.
The quarterback who is almost always reserved and composed was letting it rip when he went to see old pal Bono and U2 perform at the Garden a few months back. And Brady was having such a humdinger of a good time that he decided to broadcast some videos out to the world. They were ... memorable.
Hachi machi, Tommy. We can do better than that. We have to do better than that.
Get this man some sitdown sessions with someone -- anyone -- who can sing. In no time, we'll have Brady sounding like a mix between Fergie and Jesus.
6. Drone Clone
To some people, being able to step in front of a microphone to answer questions with millions of eager ears waiting with bated breath to hear what you have to say would be a very exciting opportunity. But Brady? At this point, he's clearly over it.
Why else would he have thrown up the deuces and strolled away from the assembled media, like he did last weekend? Generally, people don't say "I'm out" if they're doing something they enjoy. If you're not Oprah Winfrey or (randomly) Jim Gray, then Tom isn't really that interested. Sorry/not sorry.
So, with Elon Musk developing who knows what, and with Jeff Bezos moving on to space travel after successfully building his frightening army of scary robot dogs, can we get someone in technology to build a robot clone of Tom Brady? Make it listen to every single one of Tom Brady's press conferences from the past 10-15 years, and have the thing just spit out the basic platitudes and cliches that most athletes say every week, and leave Tom more time to get his rubdowns and make his shakes. Kind of makes too much sense, if you think about it.
5. A Spot On "Jersey Shore"
For those who follow the Patriots and Brady closely, the Facebook series "Tom Vs. Time" was pretty interesting. But to the average viewer in America? Meh. Kind of boring.
But Brady clearly has drawing power, and he's as famous as ever. What if we take that stardom and combine it with the energy bomb that is MTV's "Jersey Shore"?! What could go wrong?
What would you rather see: Brady sitting around his house watching film, or Brady hitting the clubs down in Seaside Heights with Pauly D and The Situation?
Just picture Brady sitting down in the living room, having a conversation about life and spirituality with Snooki and JWoww. They'd be entranced. He'd be all in. And they'd all get interrupted for T-shirt time.
Plus, the tanning. We know that Brady doesn't believe in sunscreen. So ... the tanning would be spectacular.
This has to happen. Summer 2019. Someone, please, book it now.
4. Room Darkening Shades
We all watched "Tom Vs. Time," and so we all saw the struggles that Brady and Alex Guerrero had to go through in order to go through the process for a simple pregame massage during the playoffs. Cut off from their normal work area, Brady was forced to get his rubdown in his private suite -- the same private suite that has giant glass windows and no privacy. After initially stacking up chairs to try in vain to block outsiders' views, Brady and Guerrero settled on a tiny little back area near the bathroom as their massage spot.
Some people saw the inclusion of this fiasco in the documentary as a direct complaint to the big man, Bill Belichick, about the workspaces that Guerrero was no longer allowed to use. But that's inaccurate. This was, of course, a cry for help, a desperate plea for a gift every man and woman desires but rarely bites the bullet and shells out the cash.
The man just wants some room darkening shades.
You ever use those things? Money.
Going to bed at 4 a.m.? Room darkening shades.
Kids keep you up all night? Room darkening shades?
Little post-football siesta on a Sunday? Room darkening shades?
Need your trainer to viciously rub your thighs before you play tackle football? Room. Darkening. Shades.
Make the purchase, people. Tom needs them. He'll be thankful.
3. Ab Roller
The TB12 website has all sorts of fun products for exercise buffs and aficionados. Foam rollers galore, resistance bands up the wazoo, pliability lotion (for that pesky skin that just won't ply like you want it to ply), and even a vibrating sphere. Nobody really knows what that thing does, but it costs 150 bucks and looks pretty sweet. I might buy two. But it's not my birthday.
One item that's clearly missing from the TB12 chest of goodies is a nice early-2000s-era ab roller. You know, whether it's a simple stick through a wheel, or whether it's one of those fancy ones with the gears and whatnot, Brady neds one. Maybe even one of those belts that just, like, pulsated every so often and claimed to give you rock-hard abs? That seemed pretty scientific. Anyway. Those beach pictures from a few weeks back made it look like Brady might not be working the abs the way many people expect him to. Everyone was kind of just like, "Wait, that's ... that's Tom Brady? That guy? He's the one who's deathly afraid of strawberries and hasn't consumed a gram of fat since 2004? COULD HAVE FOOLED ME!"
Of course, this joke would be a gag gift. "Ha ha, Tom, get it? You're super in shape but not the way some people imagined. How truly humorous this gift of mine was. You're very welcome." BUT! The fact is that Brady has made it a staple of his entire football career to respond to criticism by shoving it in his doubters faces. Can't you just imagine that guy heading to Cabo, or Colombia, or -- damn it, I have no idea where people like Brady and Gisele go on vacation, but it's probably somewhere I've never heard of -- and busting out a killer 16-pack next summer just to flip the bird to all the haters?
2. Jimmy Garoppolo Press Clippings ... And Paycheck Stubs
The Italian Stallion is no longer around to put the pressure on Brady. And, all due respect to Messieurs Hoyer et Etling, nobody's really around to kick some hot coal under Brady's feet from time to time. You can't argue with the fact that ever since Garoppolo showed up in Foxboro, Brady reinvented his entire game and played better than he ever had (save for 2007).
So without the real thing in Foxboro to remind Brady of his football mortality, it'd be worthwhile to compile all the praise that Garoppolo gets in the media and leave a few print-outs in Tom's locker from time to time. After all, no quarterback in the history of football has ever gotten so much praise after throwing six touchdowns and five interceptions for a team that was 1-10 when he took over as starting quarterback. Kind of strange if you ask me.
And when that gets old (perhaps when Garoppolo starts to struggle), you can't miss by finding a way to get Garoppolo's pay stub into Brady's locker every week. Brady's been arguably the best quarterback of all time, yet he's never gotten paid like his former understudy is out West.
If Brady really wants to play forever, he'll need motivation from anywhere he can get it. Constant reminders of the praise and celebration of The Chosen Roppolo should get the job done.
(Brief timeout: Shame on anyone who labeled Garoppolo's latest dating adventure as his "Tara Reid phase." Shame. On. Anyone. Don't you dare besmirch the legend that is Van Wilder-era Tara Reid. Don't you dare conflate Sharknado Tara Reid with Van Wilder Tara Reid. You got that, people? DO YOU HAVE THAT? HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR? OK. Good. Moving on.)
1. Replica Super Bowl LII Trophies
That trophy should be his. Had there just been a capable NFL-caliber cornerback available to make one simple tackle one third down over the course of 60 minutes, that trophy would be his. No, he wasn't perfect. He dropped a pass, he coughed up a fumble on a late sack. But the man did everything he possibly could have done to win title No. 6 at the age of 40. Everything he had worked so hard to get was right there for him.
That trophy was supposed to be sweet.
Alas, Super Bowls aren't fair. Brady's been the beneficiary and the victim of that reality a few different times. And Brady did not win this one.
Life moves on, though, and what is going to inspire Brady more to win Super Bowl LIII than a near-constant reminder of Super Bowl LII? This may fall under the "cruel and unusual" category of birthday gifts, but get this man a handful of replica Super Bowl LII trophies.
Slap a bunch of Eagles logos on some full-sized Lombardi replicas, and place them in some strategic locations. Hang one from his rear-view mirror to dangle in his peripheral as he drives to the stadium. Stick one in his locker so it's the last thing he sees before he hits the practice field. Ask a fan to hold one in the front row behind the Patriots' sideline on game days. Throw a spotlight on it during the night games.
Last year was brutal, sure. But the best way to try to avoid a repeat is to perpetually be reminded of how bad it was. Maybe that's just what's needed to get it done at 41.
Happy birthday, Tom. Bathe in the pain.
Whoa that turned pretty dark. Let's end on a happier note.
Bonus: Sunscreen
Sorry, Tom. You're going to need some. Cut it out. You're too old for this nonsense.
You can email Michael Hurley or find him on Twitter @michaelFhurley.
