Top 10 Birthday Gift Ideas For Tom Brady
By Michael Hurley, CBS Boston
BOSTON (CBS) -- Many, many moons ago, the premise was simple enough: come up with 10 birthday presents which might please Tom Brady, a man who has everything. Fame, fortune, family -- the man has just about everything he could ever dream of wanting.
So, in the past, the gift ideas have certainly been more of the outside-the-box variety.
Last year, there was a Smash Mouth concert and a Roger Goodell dartboard. For his 37th, we had Sharknado Blu-rays and high-five partners. When he turned 36, he was apparently ready to become a jockey. And when he was 35, it was deemed necessary for him to get some blinders so that he didn't have to look directly at Kevin Youkilis scarfing down a Thanksgiving dinner.
Clearly, he's been a difficult person to shop for. But this year is quite a bit different.
For the first time since 2001, Brady will be fully healthy but forced to sit on the sidelines and watch his team play. For someone as driven and competitive as Brady is, those are going to be a tough four weeks.
On the plus side, that opens the door for plenty of more birthday gift ideas. So with a fair amount of ado already processed, let's check them out.
10. Catcher's Equipment
OK, this is a repeat from last year, but it proved unnecessary last year when Richard Berman eliminated that pesky four-game suspension. Now that Brady's actually going to sit out those four games, he'll need to find an avenue through which he can let his competitive juices flow. So why not go back behind the dish?
Everyone knows that Brady was drafted by the Expos, and he even got a bit wistful about it in a recent Facebook post. And, lo and behold, it works out that the Red Sox just might have a deficiency at catcher. Christian Vazquez was having such a bad year that he ended up in Triple-A. Ryan Hanigan isn't batting his weight. And assuming Sandy Leon's average will continue to steadily fall from that absurd .500 mark, the Red Sox could probably use a 6-foot-3, hyper-athletic backstop as they gear up for a playoff run.
Sure, Brady would be about a decade older than the average MLB catcher. But with all that Roger Goodell-fueled, he is guaranteed to be throwing bullets all over the diamond. Nobody would be safe.
(That pun comes free.)
Also, you can save your money on the helmet and mask. He already has his own.
9. A Robe. A Beard. A Wig.
Maybe Tom can grow the beard and hair on his own, but you might want to grab him some artificial stuff just in case. He has to complete the look.
After all, Bill Belichick said that Jesus Christ will be playing quarterback in Week 5, didn't he?
8. A Whoopee Cushion
Look, Tom Brady is the king of motivation. He can find it anywhere. He's been riding that "pick No. 199" thing for 15 years. Mention "Drew Henson" or "Giovanni Carmazzi" in front of the guy and you might start seeing his neck veins bulge.
But it's 2016. Sometimes, you've got to keep things fresh.
And so, with ESPN's Max Kellerman making his presence on "First Take" known last week by saying Brady will soon be a "bum," what better way to remind Brady of what the talking heads are saying than by getting him a classic Whoopee Cushion?
For one, it's motivation. For two, it's a fart noise. And fart noises are always hilarious, even if you're pushing 40.
7. Jimmy G Dartboard
Last year, it was the Goodell dartboard. But this year, Brady may need a dartboard featuring the handsome mug of one James "Aladdin" Garoppolo.
Obviously, Tom is a terrific teammate. Former Patriots remark all the time about how much mutual love they have with Brady. He's a standup guy and deep down, he definitely wants the Patriots to go 4-0 without him.
But ... well ... there is still that matter of staying sharp, people. He's got to continue to hone that killer instinct, the one that leads to him throwing his old body all around and absorbing some massive hits, the one that has him leading a ridiculous fourth-quarter drive in Denver despite getting smoked by DeMarcus Ware and Von Miller all day, the one that has had him as a top NFL quarterback for an absurd length of time.
And if Jimmy G. has to be a casualty in that pursuit, then, well, sorry, Jim. It's nothing personal. Tom's gotta stay mad. And he promises to avoid the dimples.
6. Fire Focus
Brady is not allowed to talk with his teammates about football during the suspension, which is such a Roger Goodell punishment to dish out. While it may be a bit over the top, the reality is that Brady's going to have to do most of his preparation on his own.
That's where the fire focus comes in.
Brady's not much of a braggart, but he did boast last year that he was using some "fire focus" during his bye week.
That's all well and good, but there's just no way that Tom has enough fire focus to last him four weeks.
The exact formula for fire focus remains a bit of a mystery, but if you gave him a bottle of ginkgo biloba, a fresh notepad, some coffee (sorry, Tom, bt you're adding coffee to that crazy diet of yours), some noise-cancelling headphones, and a subscription to "Red Zone," it should get him on the right path.
5. Minion Walkie Talkies
Just because Roger Goodell said that Tom Brady can't get the inside scoop on changes to the playbook and everything while he's suspended doesn't mean there won't be some ways around it. But this may be the most brilliant strategy.
It's simple. Buy Minions walkie talkies. Give one to Brady. Give the other one to Rob Gronkowski. Hit the button. Talk. Discuss football. Say "Over and out." Repeat steps three through six every day.
It's a brilliant plan because, let's be honest -- if people saw Gronk chatting into a Minions walkie talkie, they wouldn't even bat an eyelash. "Oh, that's just Gronk being Gronk." And he's already laid the groundwork as a big Minions fan.
It's brilliant, OK? He'll love it. Go get it.
4. Real Ice Cream. Without Avocados.
Hey, Tom, your cool healthy diet is wonderful. I mean, the results speak for themselves. You and Gisele look a lot healthier than the people who make fun of you for the nightshade stuff, so clearly something is working.
But, hey, new year new you. And again, you're going to have an unprecedented amount of time to yourself in September. It's not going to be like 2008, when you were too injured to do anything. You're going to be tantalizingly healthy, absurdly healthy for a man at age 39, but you're not going to be able to put it to good use on the football field.
That's where this gift comes in. Ice cream -- not the avocado version. Cheeseburgers. Mac and cheese. Molten chocolate cake. Onion rings. Fried chicken. Pizza. Donuts.
Bacon.
Lots of bacon.
The idea is this: Brady spends the month of August stuffing his face, packing on the pounds, and living the life of a king. By the time September rolls around, it's back to quinoa and Himalayan pink salt.
He'll be so intensely focused on losing that new weight that he'll hardly have time to notice that he's missing NFL games.
(That really is a good one. I think I deserve an award for this.)
3. "Changing the Conversation: The 17 Principles of Conflict Resolution"
We already know that Tom Brady is a huge fan of The Four Agreements, and so it stands to reason that neatly listed books might be often seen in the Brady household. So it might be worth it to give this "Changing The Conversation" book a try.
Why this particular book, you might ask?
Well ... you'll recall that last year, the presence of a Donald Trump hat in Brady's locker generated national headlines. The man at the center of the DeflateGate controversy showing outward support for a controversial presidential candidate was like sweet, sweet nectar to the national news media. Pageviews for everybody!
Brady is quite skilled at deflecting and changing the subject, as he's managed to prevent himself from having to insert his foot into his mouth for just about the entirety of his career. The closest he came to slipping up was when he advised fans to drink before attending a season opener. (Spoiler alert: They were going to drink anyway.)
That being said, this fall figures to be a pretty heated time politically, and Brady may be in unprecedented waters. When the questions come in about Trump, about the debates (what if Donald mentions Tom during one of them?), about some budding Trump controversy, or about the presidential race in general, it may prove to be more difficult than ever for Brady to just smile and say nothing.
There are probably a few good tips in this book.
"From Joost Elffers ... comes this invaluable manual that teaches seventeen fundamentals for turning any conflict into an opportunity for growth," the description reads. "Beautifully packaged in a graphic, two-color format, Changing the Conversation is written by conflict expert Dana Caspersen and is filled with real-life examples, spot-on advice, and easy-to-grasp exercises that demonstrate transformative ways to break out of destructive patterns, to create useful dialogue in difficult situations, and to find long-lasting solutions for conflicts."
With this book (and some time to read it), Brady will be better than ever at doing what he does best: saying nothing.
2. Starring Role In 'Good Will Hunting 2: X's And O's'
Tom Brady's got a lot of supporters, and included in that group are none other than Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Affleck showed his support for Brady in a profanity-filled, potentially chemically aided rant on Bill Simmons' HBO show. Jason Bourne offered a bit more of a moderate statement, calling the whole thing stupid.
But words are only words. Maybe it's time for the Project Greenlight crew to actually do something to help out their friend. Maybe they ought to cast him in a movie.
The title may need some work, but the idea is simple: a quiet, reserved young man is cleaning the halls at a prestigious university that's known for its great football history. The coach draws a play on the chalkboard and asks his players if they can point to where every player on the field should go. The players, who are dopes, can't do it. Even the assistant coaches can't do it. The coach ends the meeting in a huff.
In walks Brady, the janitor, who perfectly maps out not only the play that's already up there, but 10 more along the blackboard. The next day the coach finds the plays, goes on a quest to discover who drew them, and so on and so forth until the quarterback is in the Hall of Fame. We can fill in the details later.
It'll undoubtedly be the worst movie of all time. But it's been proven that Tom Brady's Boston accent is strong, so there's a chance this one plays well with critics.
BONUS GIFT: Replica Patriots Locker Room
So, this one probably rises above the budget for everybody ... except for maybe Gisele. But what could Tom want more than to pretend like everything is normal, like he's at work, like he's not being locked out of his place of employment for a month because the commissioner went on a quest to take him down in order to prevent the country from focusing on some of the more embarrassing faults of the league and the commissioner himself.
Surely there's room in the Brady estate for a locker room. And old friends like Randy Moss and Wes Welker wouldn't mind swinging by and hanging out with their former QB. The only negative here is that Julian Edelman might become so jealous that be part of the Brady locker room club that he might announce his own retirement.
1. Workout Gear
This is all Tom wants. Get him some football cleats, a T-shirt, and a towel. The guy is about to work out like a goddang maniac for a month. He'll need all the gear he can get.
You can email Michael Hurley or find him on Twitter @michaelFhurley.
