By Michael Hurley, CBS Boston
BOSTON (CBS) — I’m going to level with you, folks. When I first got the idea to compile some goofy birthday gift ideas for Tom Brady, I was probably just bored on an August day in 2011. It was a way to pass the time on an otherwise forgettable day, and so the concept of dreaming up some gift ideas “for the man who has everything” was born.
He was 34 then. Now he’s 40. And the only thing harder than picking out a gift for the man who has everything is to do that 10 times every year for seven years. That’s a lot of presents.
Nevertheless, if Brady can continue to dominate the NFL, then we can continue to come up with some gift ideas. If you want to look back on past years, you can look at the birthday gift ideas for his 39th birthday, his 38th birthday, his 37th birthday, his 36th birthday and his 35th birthday with those tidy links. But for now, let’s move forward with the top 10 birthday gift ideas on Tom Brady’s 40th.
10. A “Happy 39th Birthday!” Balloon
Oh, folks, it is a classic goof! Imagine the look on his face when he sees “39th” instead of “40th“! Hilarity is sure to ensue!
The time-honored tradition of razzing old people for not being quite as old as they really are is one in which Brady deserves to partake. And while a coffee mug is normally the way to go with such things, we know that Tom doesn’t drink the stuff. So balloons it is!
Just make sure that after he acknowledges your great and hilarious gift, you shout out, “Denial is not a river in Egypt, buddy!” People love that!
9. Water Country Coupon
While yes, Water Country is a very cool spot when the sun is blazing and the summer gets hot, that’s not necessarily what this one is about. This one goes back to the famous Bruce Lee quote that Brady shared on social media last year, which urged you to “be water, my friend.”
“Be formless, shapeless, like water. When you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour it into a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”
Tom Brady really wants to be water. Science has not yet devised a way to help him with that desire, so for now, Brady can make a quick trip up 95 and plunge down Geronimo (we know he likes water slides) and have some fun in the wave pool.
8. Real Life Word Filter For “Avocado Ice Cream”
Whenever it was that Brady’s fancy personal chef did that interview, the biggest thing people took out of it was that Tom eats avocado ice cream. And hey, it was funny … for a little bit. But then it became kind of this identity-defining food item, even though Brady probably doesn’t eat the stuff on a regular basis, and it’s probably not as disgusting as it sounds.
Basically, it’s become overused. So much like the TB12 safety bubble protects him physically, you need to figure out a way for Brady to never hear “avocado ice cream” ever again. An electronic earpiece that mutes some noise while amplifying other noise would probably do the trick, and hey, if you need advice on where to find one, you can ask Peyton Manning.
7. Gordon Hayward’s Phone Number
Gordon Hayward is one of the biggest free-agent acquisitions the Celtics have ever made. He also can’t stand Tom Brady.
This cannot be! If Hayward is going to be scoring 20 points a night for the Celtics over the next four years, this is going to have to get solved.
The easiest way is for Tom to call Gordon personally and work his charm. Who can say no to this smile?
They can talk about all sorts of things, but mostly having very nice hairstyles. So if you could just go ahead and facilitate this conversation, Tom would be eternally grateful.
6. Mexican Wrestling Mask
The Patriots are heading to Mexico City this year to take on the Raiders, so if Tom wants to walk around covertly without drawing too much attention, he’s going to need one of these. He almost certainly doesn’t have one, and wearing a wrestling mask is definitely the best way to just blend in to the scenery in Mexico City, right? Probably.
Here’s an artist’s rendering of what Tom might look like in such a mask:
Wow — can’t even tell it’s him.
5. A Professional Artist
I mean … is Tom Brady’s face really that difficult to capture? From his famed courtroom sketch …
… now to his new wax figure …
Brady has been misrepresented in various forms of art. Let’s get him an artist, people. At 40, he deserves it.
4. A Serious Acting Coach
Look, Tom’s graced the small screen and the big screen a number of times. He was in “Ted 2,” he hosted “Saturday Night Live,” he was in “Entourage,” and he’s starred in enough online videos to fill out a full reel. Clearly, he likes dabbling in the acting world.
But now, with a book and movie being created to tell his story, it’s time for Brady to go out and audition for the role he was born to play: himself.
Getting that job won’t be easy. He’ll have to beat out Ivan Sergei, who looks just like him and is a professional actor:
But even more difficult than beating out Sergei, Brady will have to really push his own limits in order to play a quarterback deemed worthy of only a sixth-round pick. Somehow, the greatest quarterback of all time is going to have to look so bad playing football that it can convince audiences that Giovanni Carmazzi, Chris Redman and Tee Martin would all get drafted before him.
Frankly, I’m not sure Brady can do that one on his own. He’s going to have to bring in the big guns when it comes to acting coaches.
And if he lands the prestigious role of playing himself in a movie, who knows what’s next? They’re always looking for new people to play James Bond every few years, you know?
3. A New Set Of Clubs
Look, Brady’s unbelievable and all of that. He played at an MVP level at age 39, set Super Bowl records, and looks capable of playing for many more years.
But where’s the fun in that?
Seriously, if Brady has another MVP-like season and wins another Super Bowl, why’s he going to keep showing up to work if it means getting hit by 250-pound linebackers and having pads hurled at him by Bill Belichick? That whole routine gets tired.
If Brady really wants to embrace life after 40, then he’s going to have to begin the pursuit for his next great challenge: making the PGA Tour.
You see, over the years, whenever Brady has talked with Jordan Spieth, the conversations have been seen as Brady mentoring Spieth. Au contraire, mon frère! Brady’s been gleaning as much about PGA life as possible from the young golf star, because he’s obviously been staking out the competition for 2019.
So get Tom a nice set of Taylor Mades or Callaways and give him a gentle reminder that his next career is coming soon, and it’s time to start practicing. Now that he finally was accepted into The Country Club in Brookline, he’ll have a place to play right in his backyard. Brady-Spieth as a final pairing at Augusta will be here before you know it.
2. Maybe Like 15 Minutes To Do Nothing?
It might seem like a simple gift to offer Tom 15 minutes of freedom, but doesn’t it feel like he needs it? Whether it’s throwing passes to receivers he ships in to his Montana vacation home, shilling his cookbook and his fancy miracle pajamas and whatnot, or sumo wrestling in Japan, it feels like Brady has been go-go-go-go for a very long time.
Ask any oldie what happens when they do too much, and they’ll tell you that they get burned out. And nobody around here wants to see Brady get burned out.
In 15 minutes, Tom could watch half of an episode of a TV show, or maybe watch some movie trailers, or read 20 pages of fiction. He could sunbathe for a bit and try to even out that farmer’s tan that he’s getting at training camp. It might be difficult to get him to accept a 15-minute break to do nothing and relax, but he’ll appreciate it eventually.
1. A Jersey-Sized Goodell Clown Shirt
Obviously, Brady is too much a fan of taking the high road for this one to ever come to fruition, but come on — live a little, people.
As we all know, Roger Goodell very much does not appreciate the existence of the Goodell clown shirt. In fact, he’s miffed about it. Miffed, I tell you — miffed!
Also, Mr. Goodell will be in attendance for the Patriots’ season opener on Sept. 7, when the Patriots will raise their Super Bowl banner in front of 67,000 delighted fans.
And again, though Brady has refused to do or say anything mean to Goodell, coming out with a clown shirt would be an amazing moment in human history.
Tom would never do this on his own, but if you gave uniform malfunctionhim a clown shirt that could fit over his jersey … you never know. Perhaps a just might occur on national TV.