BOSTON (CBS) — The calendar has flipped from July to August, which can only mean one thing: Tom Brady’s birthday is approaching!
Yes, sadly, the greatest quarterback and most outstanding man in the history of earth does indeed age just like the rest of us, and on Aug. 3, the Patriots’ signal-caller will turn 37 years old. While it remains most unfortunate that Brady couldn’t arrange a deal with the devil which would allow him to stay his 30-year-old self for at least 25 years, the idea of an aging Tom Brady has been one that we New England folks have had plenty of time to get used to.
And here in this space, it’s a full-on celebration. So without further ado, here are the 10 best birthday gift ideas for Tom Brady. Make sure you check the registry before you buy, because these things will go fast.
And if you want to sweat to the oldies, check out the Top 10 Gifts for Tom Brady’s 35th Birthday as well as the Top 10 Gifts For Brady’s 36th Birthday. (The “Blinders” caption on the 35th birthday post remains the meanest thing I’ve ever written. Sorry, Kevin Youkilis.)
10. Blu-Ray Copies of ‘Sharknado’ And ‘Sharknado 2: The Second One’
You might remember that back when Tom Brady was in the infancy of being “TOM BRADY!”, he was romantically linked ever so briefly with Tara Reid. Back then, Brady was a fresh-faced Super Bowl MVP, and Reid was a pretty big movie star. Still, Brady had the presence of mind to realize, “Hey, this Tara Reid lass might be cuckoo crazy,” and he ended that relationship before it really began.
Brady went on to win more Super Bowls, establish himself as one of the greatest to ever play his position, marry a supermodel and make a bazillion dollars as a spokesman for companies.
Reid went on to … disappear for a decade before appearing in “Sharknado,” a made-for-TV movie that is so bad that it is hard to not watch and has become a sort of national joke. With the sequel hitting TV screens this past week, get Brady the complete Sharknado Blu-Ray set. If he ever has any doubts about whether or not he made the right decision back in 2002, he’ll have a poorly acting, one-handed Reid (spoiler alert!) to remind him that yes. Yes he did.
9. Dante Scarnecchia’s Whereabouts
Aside from Bill Belichick, no coach was more important to the Patriots’ success than Dante Scarnecchia. He never once sought out any shred of the spotlight, but the offensive line coach was legendary, spending 30 years as a member of the staff. He was in charge of the offensive line during Brady’s entire career, and his work with the big men up front helped keep Brady clean.
Well, Dante’s gone now, and if Brady starts seeing a few more defensive linemen and linebackers than normal, he’s going to need to know what to tell the men in front of him. Now, because Dante always tried hard to stay out of the spotlight, he’s likely hard to track down these days in retirement. If you could give his address and phone number to Brady, you may have provided the QB with the best possible gift he could ever receive.
8. An NFL Record Book
Do you know who used to sit atop the all-time leaders for touchdown passes in a single season? That would be Tom Brady. Do you know who obliterated that record last year and reclaimed the top spot? Why of course, that was Peyton Manning.
Manning first set the record way back in 2004, when he threw 49 touchdowns for the Indianapolis Colts. You’ll recall that those Indianapolis Colts could muster just three points in their playoff loss to the Patriots, something Brady and his Merry Men celebrated with great vigor. Brady was able to best this record a few years later in 2007, when he threw 50 touchdowns as part of the undefeated regular season. All was right with the world, as there was no chance that Manning would be able to even come close to that record, considering he was in his late 30s and was coming off a major neck injury.
But then, Manning and the Broncos last year put on a remarkable offensive display, with Manning finishing the season with an absolutely absurd 55 touchdowns.
Obviously, everyone knows that Brady doesn’t play for records, that he’s more concerned with winning. If that means handing the ball to LeGarrette Blount a thousand times in a divisional playoff game against the Colts, then so be it.
Still, duct taping the record book inside of Brady’s locker might remind him that his “friendly rivalry” with Mr. Manning might need one more chapter to be completed before it’s over.
(Manning, by the way, set the record at 37 years old. Just saying … )
7. Trust Fall Classes With Receiving Corps
This much we know about Tom: If you’re a receiver who does not have his trust, you might as well save yourself some trouble and not even suit up. He’s not going to throw you the football.
We saw that on display in the AFC Championsip Game, when Brady and Danny Amendola were on pages so far apart from each other that the quarterback ended up throwing passes to Matthew Mulligan, Matthew Slater, Michael Hoomanawanui and Austin Collie. In real life!
This can’t happen anymore. Brady needs to trust Amendola, Kenbrell Thompkins, Aaron Dobson, Josh Boyce and newcomer Brandon LaFell if this team is going to be successful. So find a nice camp in the woods that offers trust fall lessons. It will go a long way toward the success of the 2014 Patriots … and it might help ensure that Brady throws to some more talented people in the biggest game of the year.
6. A Crown
Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. is a pretty good name, but do you know what’s a better name? King Brady.
And make no mistake — the man is most certainly now king of the world.
Don’t believe me? Then explain to me how Brady managed to get himself painted on a mural of New York heroes. That’s in the heart of Jets country, folks. King of the world.
Still don’t believe me? Then please, explain why the Washington Redskins used a picture of Brady to try to get people to show up to Washington’s training camp this year.
King Brady. Everyone everywhere is dying to be graced with his presence.
5. A High Five Partner
Forget about the regular season wins and losses, the AFC Championship Game appearance, the touchdowns, the sacks — all of it. Forget it. There was only one story from the 2013 season by Brady, and it was that nobody — and I mean nobody — was willing to give the man a high five. I mean, just watch this (if you have the stomach for it):
Heart-breaking. You, and only you, can amend this problem by hiring a full-time High-Five Coordinator for Brady. Basically, you pay someone $20/hour to stand on the sidelines and be ready to spring into action any time Tommy Touchdown feels like slapping hands. Just when Brady thinks he’s getting hung out to dry yet again, BAM, the High-Five Coordinator comes out of nowhere and provides the perfect palm smack.
So waddayasay? Help a guy out?
Hey, speaking of “five” …
4. Counting Toy For Children
The most “controversial” story of the offseason came from Sam Monson of Pro Football Focus. He wrote on ESPN.com that Tom Brady is no longer a top-five quarterback.
This story, as you might have expected, sparked weeks of debate and yelling and screaming and threats and outrage and all of that. After all, considering Brady is undoubtedly one of the five-best quarterbacks of all time, it’s kind of hard for people to accept Philip Rivers being better than Brady. (Come to think of it, that is a pretty hilarious assertion. Excuse me for a moment while I laugh and laugh and laugh. … Almost done … hang on … just a few more laughs … and … OK, I’m back.)
So get Tom Brady a child’s toy that helps tots learn how to count. I think this 1 to 10 Counting Can set is a great one, because No. 1 is a tomato can, aka Brady’s favorite opponent, according to Dan Shaughnessy. Put pictures of Manning, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, Phil Rivers (LOL!), Joe Flacco and whoever the hell else might be considered to be better at the profession than Brady. After Brady reels off win after win after win, he can have a blast of a time stacking up the cans and knocking them all over.
(OK, I do need to laugh some more. Phil Rivers!!! Be right back.)
3. Invisibility Cloak
When you’re Tom Brady, sometimes you just need to get away. While it is awesome to be awesome, and famous, and excellent, and all of that, sometimes it might just be too much, you know? After all, why do you think Brady built a moat around that L.A. mansion he used to own? It’s because the man needs his privacy.
And who could blame him? Reading through stories like this one on the Internet just gives me the heebie-jeebies, and that’s only one out of a million pages that are just like it. Seriously — what the hell is that? Creepy stuff.
If the man wants to disappear for a while, there’s only one solution: An invisibility cloak. Now I know these are hard to come by. In fact, I think the only way you can get one is if you dive into the magical wizarding world of Harry Potter. But I don’t want excuses. Just do your job and get the damn present.
2. Shoe Inserts
In recent years, the Patriots’ defense has been so bad that Brady has spent many games stuck to the bench, unable to even sniff the field while the opposing offense slowly and methodically marches down the field, eating up clock and keeping the Patriots’ most dangerous player at bay.
Bill Belichick obviously noticed this problem, and he went out and got Darrelle Revis, aka the best cornerback in football, to help out this year. And Revis is just the start of it — there’s the addition of Brandon Browner, the beastly potential of Chandler Jones in year three, the expected growth of Jamie Collins in year two, the return of Vince Wilfork, and so on. For the first time in a very long time, defense appears to be a point of strength for the Patriots.
The result will be that Brady will spend much, much less time on the bench, so it’s important that he be supplied with the proper footwear to account for all that extra wear and tear. Some of those gel cushions should do the trick. Throw in a foot massage gift certificate for good measure. He’ll be on his feet a lot.
1. A Lifetime Contract
When Tom Brady restructured his contract a couple of years ago, the whole world struggled to figure out what it really meant. Did he take a pay cut so that the team could spend money elsewhere? Did he simply guarantee himself some money in his late 30s? Did he set himself up to retire as a member of the Patriots? Basically, what’s the deal?
Well, in the wake of seeing Jon Lester coldly sent packing to the opposite coast this week, and with endless and annoying chatter about Jimmy Garoppolo possibly being the succession plan at QB, I think it’s time to end any speculation about Brady ever wearing another NFL uniform. Give the man an eternal contract with the Patriots, one that says, “The undersigned shall remain in New England for as long as he is able to throw a football and until he decides he would no longer like to be awesome every Sunday.”
It probably violates some CBA rules and boring things like “the law” and “contracts,” but who cares? This is Tom Brady we’re talking about.
Tom Brady: Patriot for life. I’m sure there’s nothing he’d want more than that.
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