Hurley's Picks: How To Make The NFL Great Again
By Michael Hurley, CBS Boston
BOSTON (CBS) -- Last week, with the Patriots off and thus with no game to cover specifically for work, I found myself having my first real wall-to-wall NFL weekend of the year.
I watched the Falcons-Bucs on Thursday night. (Color Rush!!!!) I watched the Sunday slate, including Indy's win at Green Bay, Baltimore's win over Pittsburgh, and the Eagles-Giants shootout. I saw the Lions' incredible overtime win, I saw the Chargers fend off the Titans, and I saw Ryan Fitzpatrick throw the world's worst interception. On Sunday night, I watched the Broncos and Raiders, and on Monday night I stayed up late to watch the Bills and Seahawks.
For years, this was just a normal weekend, but for various reasons, it's taken place like this less often this year.
And, if I'm being honest, I can say this: I didn't enjoy it that much.
It wasn't about Roger Goodell or Josh Brown or John Mara or CTE or anything like that. It was, in a much bigger way, about the product on the field.
It wasn't very good.
This is far from a revelation, as the decreased practice time combined with the dearth of highly talented young quarterbacks combined with an over-officiated game has gone a long way to water down the NFL product. Many people have commented on that steady decline in quality.
But few offer solutions, and that's what I'm here for. I humbly submit to you, NFL viewers, these ways to Make The NFL Great Again. That may just be a mostly empty slogan, but it's proven to be successful -- no matter how ludicrous the promises and suggestions may be. With that in mind ...
The Quarterback Trap
This one came to life when I was having a conversation with my friend Mike Cole, who is a sad Packers fan. (He's sad on Sundays, specifically.) While seeing Aaron Rodgers struggle against the lowly Colts, he said this to me: "I just wanna see Rodgers play one game in the Patriots offense with those receivers. It would answer so many questions I have. Would really put me at ease."
Michael! You beautiful baby boy! That's brilliant!
Look, the NFL regular season can be B-O-R-I-N-G. Oh, look, a Pats-Jets and a Packers-Lions game. Wahoo. How can we make these games more enticing to watch? Easy! We swap the QBs, Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap style. Brady has to lead a Packers offense on a random Sunday, while Rodgers takes the helm in New England. And as an added twist, neither quarterback knows it's happening until Sunday morning, when they're ambushed by a camera crew and taken to the airport to play the game.
You put the games on back-to-back on a double-header, and you include coverage of the pregame kidnapping, and look, you've got like eight hours of must-watch programming. We'd all be glued to our TVs.
Teeeeeebbbbbooooowwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
Oh, stop it. You miss him and you know it. You know it so bad. You miss him. Admit it. Admit it!
Roger Goodell has proven that he can do whatever he wants. The Second Circuit Court of Appeals even said as much. So if the commissioner has his head on straight he will institute The Tebow Rule, which states that at any given moment, for as long as Tim Tebow is alive, an NFL team must employ him and play him at some position for at least 75 percent of the team's offensive snaps. He could change teams every week for all I care. He could get some work at QB, fullback, tight end and various spots on the O-line. All I know is the world needs more Tebow. This is a fact.
Hack A Tablet ... For Charity
NFL coaches are all using Microsoft tablets on the sideline (except for Bill Belichick, who hates them because they never work, according to him) to look at pictures of plays. You can see them all the time during game broadcasts studying the images, thus kicking into gear their genius coaching brains that allow them all to perfectly strategize how to exploit the opponent for the rest of the game.
That's a joke, obviously. These coaches seem dumb! So, considering they're not really getting much out of those tablets anyway, let's add some intrigue and fun to the equation by giving fans the chance to hack a coach's tablet on live TV.
"OK, so they're in the 4-3, single safety high, man-to-man on the outside and ... what the hell is this?? Why is Rick Astley playing on my tablet?"
Feel free to put anything you want on that tablet. Chewbacca Mom, Willy Wonka memes, a Harlem Shake video, that Mr. Krabs meme, some kitten photos, maybe some of those NSFW pictures that were always a hoot, whatever you want. The camera crews will be at the ready and we'll all have a hearty chuckle.
Plus, the league could raise some money by awarding the opportunity to people who donate. The league could then shame any coach by announcing that all coaches who don't use tablets don't like charity.
A win-win for all involved.
Celebrity Referees
The officials stink, you guys. Stink. Out. Loud.
Every week there's some crisis, and some botched call by a 65-year-old referee, and Dean Blandio tries to explain why it was no big deal, and we all lose our minds, and then we repeat the whole process the following week.
Clearly, something needs to change. And fortunately, celebrity guest referees are here.
It's frankly no fun for fans to shout obscenities at these old men who are, by and large, not famous. So let's get some actors, comedians and musicians out there. Maybe they will perform at a below-average level, which will put them on the same level as the real officials but allows for a more comfortable booing environment for fans.
"Are you blind, David Schwimmer? That was a hold!"
Plus, it would really alleviate the tension. Let's see the Monday night fiasco played out exactly the same, but instead of Walt Anderson calling for the players to not leave the field because three seconds remained in the half, it was Charlie Day out there, in his high-pitched Charlie Kelly squeal, yelling, "Get back on the field! Don't violate the spaghetti policy! ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE!"
Hey, maybe while we're at it, we could replace entire officiating crews with the full casts of shows and films. The possibilities are relatively endless. We can take the Charlie Kelly example one step further and put Frank, Dee, Dennis and Mac out there. Maybe Mac's Dad could be the enforcer. You could get the Guardians of the Galaxy and the X-Men out there in stripes. Hey, let's let Chris Evans' Captain America and Robert Downey Jr.'s Iron Man and Chris Hemsworth's Thor and all those folks out there to officiate while wearing their little costumes.
It would at least be watchable, and (somehow) less embarrassing for the NFL.
Let the fans boo Tom Cruise over a blown call, not a poor old man who's just trying to do his best.
Bring Back The XFL Ball
The XFL may have had its warts, and it may have failed. But that ball was cool as heck, man. That was a cool as heck football. We need to spice it up in the NFL. The Duke has run its course. Give me the XFL ball and give it to me right this second.
Metallica
Most football fans, if they're being candid, will tell you that they don't really like the commentators that work games. That's fine! Really! So here's an idea: Just play Metallica during games.
Metallica rules. That's it.
And, even if a game went long and ran into the range of three-and-a-half-hours, that's no worry. That's only about seven Metallica songs, so there will be plenty of entertainment left for the next game.
When in doubt, play more Metallica, dummies.
Get A New Commissioner
Just seems like a pretty good idea.
Stop Fining Players When They Try To Raise Awareness For Important Societal Issues
I recognize this suggestion is really out there, but maybe don't fine players who try to raise awareness for breast cancer or domestic violence? Ah, yeah, I know, that one's too crazy! It'll never happen. My bad!
(In case you don't know, DeAngelo Williams lost his mother to breast cancer, was denied by the NFL on a request to wear pink equipment all year, and was fined for having the words "Find The Cure" on his eye black. William Gay, whose mother was killed by his stepfather when Gay was just 7 years old, was fined for wearing purple cleats to raise awareness for domestic violence.)
Bring Back The QB Challenge
I have no distinct memories of the specifics of these QB challenges, other than the fact that they were awesome. I -- and millions of other red-blooded Americans -- would much rather watch the best QBs in the game hit moving targets and throw 40-yard spirals through tires than we would enjoy watching a Ravens-Browns game.
Maybe we could up the stakes, too. Maybe Joe Flacco would have to win a competition or else lose his insane contract. Maybe a grossly underpaid QB could steal that contract with a win in the QB club. Peyton Manning could come back and smooch Papa John on TV again. This plan is foolproof.
Shirts Vs. Skins
The league has tried Color Rush, and surprisingly, it has not worked. While it seemed as though dressing awful teams up in funny looking uniforms was a surefire way to inspire huge ratings, people for some reason have not tuned in with regularity to these Thursday night matchups.
So it's time to take it one step further: shirts vs. skins. One team wears jerseys. The other team goes au naturel under the pads.
I honestly don't know what this idea will add, but it's at least no dumber than "Color Rush."
It was a big hit for the Lingerie Football League. It can help the National Football League, too.
Anyway, those are just a few ideas. What can I say -- I'm an ideas man. Come back next week and I'll give you 10 more. And if the NFL wants to thank me, then yes, I humbly accept the position of commissioner, and I will magnanimously offer to do it for just 75 percent of Roger Goodell's current salary. Because I'm just that nice of a guy.
Speaking of great suggestions, here are the Week 10 picks.
(Home team in CAPS; Wednesday lines)
Cleveland (+10) over BALTIMORE
After the wildest presidential election in history, the NFL is ready to score some huge viewership numbers, beginning on Thursday night, when the ... oh. Oh. Never mind.
I'm picking Cleveland for, admittedly, the dumbest reason of all time. The Browns may be 0-9 overall and 2-7 against the spread, but -- but! -- they kind of flip-flop each week between getting blown out and losing close. So while they did get smoked by 25 points on Sunday, that came after a three-point loss the week before. It's just science, people.
JACKSONVILLE (+2) over Houston
The Texans have been awful on the road, going 0-3 and getting outscored 85-22. Brock Osweiler is a 55.2 percent passer on the road. What a bad game this is though. The Texans are in first place. I've been making this case for years, but it's time to drop the AFC South. Let it be its own little league and leave the rest of the NFL alone.
Los Angeles (+2) over NEW YORK JETS
It'd be difficult for any team to inspire less confidence than the New York Jets right now. Benching the QB, bringing the QB back, having the QB throw awful picks, then letting the QB get injured was just one fiasco. Another is Muhammad Wilkerson and Sheldon Richardson getting benched, and Todd Bowles not caring to explain it. Put it all together and you'd just have to be lying to yourself if you stated going into the weekend that you think the Jets are going to be able to win a football game.
Atlanta (pick 'em) over PHILADELPHIA
Apparently the oddsmakers haven't yet learned that the league figured out Carson Wentz?
Green Bay (-2.5) over TENNESSEE
Minnesota (+3) over WASHINGTON
NEW ORLEANS (-2.5) over Denver
SAN DIEGO (-3.5) over Miami
Kansas City (+3) over CAROLINA
Chicago (+1) over TAMPA BAY
Riddle me this, Batman: Would you rather watch this sextet of games, or would you rather watch Dan Marino square off against Vinny Testaverde in a televised QB competition?
That's what I thought.
ARIZONA (-13) over San Francisco
It's a horrifying line, considering Arizona isn't all that good. But the 49ers have lost eight straight games, and by an average margin of more than 15 points per game. Grisly.
Dallas (+2) over PITTSBURGH
The 7-1 Cowboys getting some points against a broken Ben Roethlisberger? Sign me up. Sign me right up.
NEW ENGLAND (-7.5) over Seattle
It's not sure thing, as Seattle doesn't often lose by more than a touchdown (just twice since 2012), but save for maybe Dallas, the Patriots have for the most part looked like the only true dominant team in the NFL this year. If anyone can put a whooping on a vulnerable Seattle team that's on a short week and is traveling across the country to play its third nationally televised prime-time game in four weeks, it would be Bill Belichick's Patriots.
NEW YORK GIANTS (-2) over Cincinnati
Ben McAdoo needs to get his mustache out of my face.
Last week: 5-7-1
Season: 61-67-4
You can email Michael Hurley or find him on Twitter @michaelFhurley.
