Keller @ Large: How To Stop Unsanitary Barrage Of Geese

BOSTON (CBS) – As we reported Tuesday, the Boston City Council has scheduled a hearing to find answers to a serious problem – goose poop.

The Canada geese that flock to local parks and playing fields are actually feathered pooping machines who produce up to three pounds of it every day, turning our recreational areas into unsanitary minefields.

They can also turn aggressive if they feel threatened.

The problem has been around for years, and nothing we try – chemicals, dog patrols, you name it – seems to work.

So the council is looking for alternative solutions, and as a citizen, a patriot, and someone who prefers clean sneakers, I want to do my part to provide constructive input.

Geese in Boston. (WBZ-TV)

Geese in Boston. (WBZ-TV)

We know that these geese are very wary of being hunted – they’re messy, not stupid. While it might be unwise to invite licensed gun owners to start blasting away at the local playground, perhaps a few carefully supervised executions might act as a deterrent.

Failing that, one of the most common predators of Canada geese are coyotes, another critter that’s been causing problems locally. Why not put one problem to work eradicating the other problem?

If these solutions don’t work, we might have to get really creative. Communities could pool suggestions for the most annoying bands on the pop charts, create a mixtape, and play it where the geese congregate. However, Canada has some terrible music as well, so that might not persuade them to go home.

I know – let’s barrage these geese with inane political speeches, on a loop, taken from the current presidential race. Call it giving them a taste of their own medicine.

More from Jon Keller

One Comment

  1. bees_knees_6 says:

    There is no other option than to build a wall.

  2. bees_knees_6 says:

    Seriously, maybe it is time we two footed individual figure out that every time we try to change nature because we have the belief that it somehow benefits us, we change our environment in ways that we should but do not understand. All creatures and plant life, etc. are interdependent. Example: The return of the wolves to Yellowstone have changed its ecosystem. How incredibly deserving are we that we do not want to be inconvenienced by having to step around poop.

  3. mstarvin says:

    Hunting works but as stated you can’t hunt where these geese are going unless there was a special hunt put on at which point all the anti-hunters would go off.

  4. mikey says:

    Fire a paint ball gun at them and/or throw a smoke grenade at the flock. Works like a charm.

  5. The Owl says:

    Border collies would make short work of the problem.

  6. The issue is man-made climate change. The birds over-winter and have become abundant because of a warming climate. If we greatly reduce co2, the climate will cool and they will resume migration. Migration is an effective constraint on their population

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