BOSTON (CBS) – It’s been week or so of this 2012 thing, and there’s a reason for my recent silence. I’ve been giving careful consideration to my New Year’s resolutions. See, I hate when I make resolutions that just don’t stand a chance.
I once said I’d do 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups a day for a year. I made it a half-hour before I cramped up. Then I said I’d brush my teeth after every meal. Whether desserts counted or not threw off the whole plan within days. I considered going to the Boston Marathon and trying to drink 26.2 beers, until common sense prevailed – where do you find .2’s worth of beer? I also told my wife I’d be solely responsible for taking the dog out at night so she wouldn’t have to go out in the cold, a plan interrupted by the Celtics game on January 2. Sorry babe.
So, here goes. My 2012 New Year’s Resolutions. By the way, I’m doing great so far!
1) I’m going on a diet. The Red Sox starting pitchers’ diet. Lots of chicken, lots of beer a good amount of partying, and I’ll look tired pretty much all the time.
2) I’m going to make a concerted effort to tell the Black Eyed Peas and LMFAO apart. If you already think you can just by listening on the radio, you’re lying to yourself.
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3) I’m going to approach every major life choice by first asking myself what Kevin Garnett would do. I’ll smile, yell that anything is possible, bang my head against a wall, and then sit down with sore knees.
4) As with Brad Marchand’s punishment in The Province, I’m going to put my dog in a timeout lasting XXX minutes every time she chases the cat around the house. If it’s suitable for Marchand, my dog will survive as well.
5) I have some friends who work at Turner sports, so I’m going to track down Charles Barkley and ask him about his Weight Watchers “Lose Like A Man” campaign. I’m glad he’s getting back in shape, but didn’t he always lose like a man at the height of his physical fitness?
6) The more I watch Brendan Shanahan’s disciplinary videos, the more I like them. I intend to do the same every time my wife and I disagree over something in an effort to make my point. I expect this to go over really well…right?
7) I’m going to send a letter to Larry Bird at the Pacers, begging him to explain why he stole David West from the Celtics.
8) I’m not going to allow myself to get excited about an over-the-hill receiver with a penchant for tweeting and a reality show again. If he doesn’t tweet, I’ll consider it.
9) I’m not going to allow myself to ball my eyes out every time I hear an Adele love song.
10) I’m going to grow a mustache and dedicate it to Bobby Valentine if the Red Sox ever win 10 straight games in 2012. It will take most of the season to grow.
That’s my 10…I should be able to keep at least one by year’s end, or I’ll just start again in 2013 with a one-item list: “I’m going to lie to myself a lot this year. Make peace with it now.”
Adam Kaufman, a native of Massachusetts, joined the Sports Hub as an on-air personality in June 2011. He has worked as a television and radio anchor and broadcaster for various outlets since 2004, and his written views on sports and entertainment have appeared on NESN.com and in the New England Hockey Journal. You can follow him on Twitter @AdamMKaufman.