The Next Red Sox Manager: Adam Kaufman?
BOSTON (CBS) - I know I've been writing a lot about the Red Sox with all that's gone on since the team's September collapse, but did I ever mention my interview with the organization to be the club's new manager?
[Cue flashback, or this guy mocking Wayne's World]
It was about three weeks ago, just days after the team had parted ways with long-time skipper Terry Francona. Having a connection or two inside Fenway, I got a hold of then-GM Theo Epstein's email address and shot him a quick note.
Subject: New Manager
Message: Bro. I got this. Bring me in so we can chat.
I know, I never thought he'd write back either. But, about 25 minutes later, a response in my inbox from Theo:
"I can't believe I'm doing this," he wrote, "But would you be available to meet with me, John Henry, Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino tomorrow afternoon at 3? Please, due to the sensitivity of this process, do not disclose that we'll be talking until further notice."
Seriously, dude? I told my parents, my buddies, the mail lady, the guy who works the deli counter at Stop & Stop…I even shared my story with someone sitting on the street in Back Bay, after he made me give him a brew. First time I'd ever seen a "Will listen for beer" sign.
I did all my prep work, made a power point presentation, put on my suit from my senior prom (hey, it still fits and I almost got lucky that night), and headed in for the meeting. It was on John Henry's yacht, so as to avoid the Boston media camped out at the Cask and Game On!
Read: More From Adam Kaufman
Me: Hey guys, listen I really appreciate you taking the time to meet with me. This is so surreal – it's like that meeting with the Bob's in Office Space…sorry, I'm rambling already. Just, thanks for seeing me.
[I then folded my arms, placed my hands under my armpits and quickly sniffed my fingers.]
Tom: Sure, Adam. Just relax, it's normal to be nervous for such a high-profile position.
John: Why don't you tell us about yourself?
Me: Of course. Well, I…
Larry: What the hell do we need to know?! Have you ever even worked in baseball, kid?
Me: Does broadcasting single-A in the Blue Jays' organization count?
Larry [looks to the others]: What are we doing here?
John: Larry, please. When were you with Toronto?
Me: 2004, short-season in Auburn, New York, sir.
John: 2004. Good year.
Tom: Great year.
Larry: What in the world is going on here? Theo, why aren't you saying anything? And why are you laughing?!
Theo [clears throat]: I'm sorry, guys. Adam, tell us a bit about your baseball background.
Read: Sox Granted Permission To Talk With Mike Maddux
Me: Right. Well, I mentioned Auburn. Umm…I grew up loving the game. Well, not really. As a kid, I wasn't that into sports for a while, but then my younger brother started collecting cards, and I loved reading the stats on the backs, which sort of drew me in…
Larry: You're not even a baseball fan??
Me: No, no! I love baseball! I just mean, I didn't love it right from birth. It took some time. But, from there, I was hooked, and became a die-hard Sox fan. A lot of that comes from my dad – he played in high school.
Larry: Oh, good! His dad played!
Me: My favorite player was John Valentin and I've got the most romantic memories of the 1995 pennant-winning season. What a night against Milwaukee – I never thought I'd see Mo Vaughn riding a horse…
Larry: I need to take a walk.
John: Larry, sit down!
Tom: I know what he's talking about. When I first started producing "The Cosby Show," I still wasn't certain TV was for me…
Larry: Oh, shut up, Tom! You worked on "Cybill" – you no longer have a voice in this room!
Tom: That show ran for four years!
John: Gentlemen…
[Awkward silence for about 30 seconds…]
Me: So, uh, anyhow…I loved baseball growing up, and it really became an obsession in high school, more so in college, and it's basically all I think about now.
Larry: Did you ever freaking play the game, even?
Me: I was in this Jewish softball league as a kid, plus I tried out for the JV team in high school…
Larry: Tried out?!
Theo: It's okay, I never really played either. But, like you I imagine, I worked really hard to get to where I am today. Plus, as you spoke about, we both love numbers.
Me: Oh, I think the Bill James sabermetrics stuff is great. Count me in, whatever you guys want.
John: Larry, that sounds nice, doesn't it?
[Everyone looks around the room…]
John: Larry?
Theo: So, Adam, what are your thoughts on this position?
Me: Well, the formula is there, the talent is mostly there and you guys have got some serious bank, but you need a new attitude in the clubhouse and I think I can really help that.
Tom: Oh?
Me: I'll be 30 by the time the 2012 season rolls around, which puts me in a good age-range to communicate with a lot of these guys, plus I've worked with athletes in the media for nearly a decade, so I know what it's like dealing with them, along with many of the folks covering the team.
John: It can be a tough group, particularly that Mike Felger.
Tom [muttering under his breath]: Boy, Larry wasn't happy you drove in there…
Me: Felgie? Nah, he's cool. We work together. I see him all the time. Well, I said 'hi' to him in the hall once, but he smiled and didn't pretend I wasn't there or anything!
[More silence]
Me: Listen, fellas, I know I'm not the ideal fit for this position and that you'd rather have someone with [quote-fingers] experience, but I know this team, I live for this city and I understand what it is to hang on every pitch as if you're waiting for that final Mega Millions number. I want this. I want this so bad, I can taste it. This franchise stands for something new now, not what happened pre-2004. I want to return to those glory years of the last decade, without the mockery of celebrating it on the field with Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore for a stupid, awful movie.
Theo: Adam, these guys…liked Fever Pitch.
Me: This isn't going well, is it?
John: We'll call you.
[Larry barges back in the room, holding a stiff drink and a hot compress on his head…]
Larry: Call?! What the fu…
Tom: Thank you, Larry. We have your information, Adam.
[Theo puts his arm around me, walking me out off the boat]
Theo: Listen, you've got no chance here. I only brought you in to mess with these guys since I'm leaving for Chicago in the next couple weeks. Just thought I'd have some fun on my way out the door after all the stress they've caused me the last few years. No hard feelings?
Me: It's cool. Any jobs with the Cubs then?
Theo: Umm, I'll call you.
(Editor's note: Adam's still waiting by his phone…)
Adam Kaufman, a native of Massachusetts, joined the Sports Hub as an on-air personality in June 2011. He has worked as a television and radio anchor and broadcaster for various outlets since 2004, and his written views on sports and entertainment have appeared on NESN.com and in the New England Hockey Journal. You can follow him on Twitter @AdamMKaufman.
