By Michael Hurley, CBS Boston
BOSTON (CBS) — The big story — maybe the biggest story — around these parts on this day is that those scamps from Philadelphia have pulled one over on us locals. In what was believed to be the safe space of Foxboro, some weisenheimers from Philly dropped a billboard celebrating the Eagles’ Super Bowl victory over the locally beloved Patriots. Right there in Foxboro! Near the football stadium!
So much for brotherly love, am I right?!
Despite the fact that all of us here in New England have now been officially owned by the folks who dropped this billboard (you can read the backstory here), there is this inconvenient reality that must be addressed: that billboard stinks.
Just, objectively speaking, that billboard stinks. It stinks out loud. It may be the most poorly designed piece of “art” ever commissioned. Let’s break it down real quick.
Instead of jersey numbers, the artist put the final score of the game. So Nick Foles is No. 41 and Tom Brady is No. 33. This is stupid. I may not be fully in tune with everything Philly sports, but I don’t believe “41-33” has reached a legendary status, the way, say, “28-3” is remembered in New England. Not a “Dos A Cero” situation brewing here. Just a final score, like every game has. Putting such an indistinct final score on jersey numbers was a poor choice. Someone should advised our guy to do anything but that.
In the middle, you’ve got the underdog mask, which was cool, but it’s on the body of the weird outfit that Jason Kelce wore to the parade. That is a fine little side piece there, but as the centerpiece of your artwork? Poor decision. Very disappointing. Could have maybe given this one another whirl.
Fortunately we’re not here solely to critique. Nay, despite this abominable act of war, we here in New England are here to help. Call it brotherly love if you’d like. Whatever you might choose to do, here are some much, much, MUCH better ways that Eagles fans could have trolled all who pass through Foxboro on Route 1.
(These are rough drafts. We don’t have the time to come up with such brilliant artwork as the existing billboard.)
The Nick Foles Route
Pretty straightforward here. No need to say anything else. The guy had a 77.7 passer rating from 2014-17. His passer rating in the Super Bowl was 106.1. Grisly.
Granted, Chris Long and LeGarrette Blount were never universally beloved star Patriots or anything (though LeGarrette Blount was better than he ever got credit for being). But still. Long drew a key holding call to help win Super Bowl LI over the Falcons. Blount contributed to two Super Bowl-winning seasons in New England. Both were allowed to waltz right out the door … and promptly beat the Pats in a Super Bowl. Blount rushed for 90 yards and a touchdown in that win, too. Kind of stings a little, no?
Not sure if you knew this down in Philly, but Malcolm Butler didn’t play in the Super Bowl. It’s quite the big deal. Just put this up. People will get so miffed. You will have won this battle.
Lane Johnson Says Something
For some reason, every time Lane Johnson has spoken about the Patriots this offseason, his commentary has been covered 24/7 by every news and sports outlet in America. At this point, Lane Johnson could say that Bill Belichick prefers Fruit By The Foot over Gushers (which is insane), and it would lead SportsCenter. I don’t fully understand it, but all that matters here is that any quote from Lane Johnson would surely make people a bit ticked on Route 1. For whatever reason.
Yeah. Look. People here don’t want to see that. Had Tom just caught that ball (or had Danny Amendola thrown it maybe a foot shorter), it would have been first-and-10 for the Patriots at roughly the Eagles’ 20-yard line. But he dropped it. Then he threw incomplete on fourth-and-5. Then the Eagles scored a touchdown three minutes later. Woof. What a bad one.
Upon further reflection, though, this billboard might backfire. If Brady had to see this every day as he drove to work, it might send him into a level of insane competitive fire that even he’s never reach before. So maybe it’s best for all involved that the billboard maker went with the whole dumb numbers on the jersey thing. Best for everybody.