By Michael Hurley, CBS Boston

BOSTON (CBS) — A running feature on called “Why Your Team Sucks” spotlighted the New England Patriots on Tuesday. And it was a doozy.

The feature, written by Drew Magary, is a crude, over-the-top, irreverent and at least a little sarcastic look at each team in the NFL which details everything wrong with that particular franchise. And considering the Patriots tend to not be the most beloved team outside of New England, there was no shortage of ammo for this one.

Despite the farcical nature of the stories, they always manage to enrage every fan base.

“[Bill] Belichick controls his players like a 19th century railroad magnate, and nothing pleases the hot take providers of America more,” Magary wrote. “Every Tom, Dick, and Sully thinks a player who would dare play for another team besides the Patriots, or even consider getting more money in free agency, is unworthy of being a Belichick Man. Such is Belichick’s master manipulation of the media that he can make ANY move and have people searching for the hidden brilliance behind it. He can never just do something DUMB.”

After Belichick, the fans came into focus — and it seemed to be personal for Magary, who decided to not move his family to Connecticut upon seeing three teenagers wearing Red Sox hats. (Sort of seems like a “you” problem, Andrew.)

“All those titles in every sport and you’re all STILL unhappy. All the [bleeping] time,” Magary wrote. “If my team had three rings, I would skip around my neighborhood naked all day long, throwing cupcake sprinkles at everyone. But noooooo, not New England fans. No no no, they have to spend every last waking second bitching about all the additional titles they should have won. The Red Sox won a title last season — their third in the past decade — and yet they still bitch about the team sucking this year!

“These are terrible people, and they root for a team run by a terrible man who demands passion from his players and then cuts those same players as bloodlessly as a guillotine operator. They are disloyal and hypocritical. They demand fealty and offer none of their own.”

Well then.

Magary also posted some tips from fans as to why the Patriots are the worst, and the famous Scott Zolak/time travel interview came up.

The fan wrote: “Our tight end thought that time travel was a super power that’d allow him to teleport to present day Florida whenever he wanted.”

Hey, I don’t see what’s so bad about that.

Another fan wrote: “I saw Tom Brady throw an out route into the stands. He then proceeded to yell unintelligible things at our receiver who was open. Because it’s Tom Brady, I also blamed the receiver.”

Well, I mean, let’s be honest here. Not knowing anything else about the situation, I think it’s pretty obvious that Brady threw a perfect pass. I hope that receiver got cut and is out of the league now.

While it’d probably be a questionable use of time to nitpick the story, I think Magary missed a bit when talking about Brady.

“It’s worth noting here that a shocking number of Boston fans LOVE calling Brady washed up, because they think he’s a pretty Cali boy and not one of them, and they can only tolerate Brady when he’s winning titles,” Magary wrote. “The lack of affection is stunning. In any other town, Brady would be a god. But Pats fans hate being repped by a dude who does magazine shoots.”

I don’t know. I think Patriots fans kind of like Brady. There’s always the rogue sports radio caller who hates Brady and never liked him for whatever reason, but Brady essentially already has his entire face carved alongside Orr, Russell and Williams on the Mount Rushmore of Boston sports.

One part of the story that did not miss the mark was this one: “All the Patriots do now is hoard players from Rutgers.”

That’s very, very true.

With a firm “vulgar language warning,” you can read the entire thing on If you’re a Patriots fan, before you get too fired up, remember that it’s always better to inspire hate than it is to inspire apathy. (Also, he writes these for every team with the explicit intention of getting people mad, and he said as much two years ago on Toucher & Rich.)

[display-posts category=”patriots” wrapper=”ul” posts_per_page=”4?”]

Comments (2)

Leave a Reply