BOSTON (CBS) — Tom Brady has it all, but a little more can’t hurt.
As the Patriots quarterback celebrates his 35th birthday on Friday, and as the world celebrates being graced with the presence of the football demigod for 35 years, it’s time to go shopping for one of the greatest passers in football history.
But what do you buy for the man who has seemingly everything? You have to think beyond the standard, lame gifts you buy for your family and friends.
Admittedly, this is no easy task, so here for your consideration are the top 10 ideas for presents for Mr. TB12.
10. A Neuralyzer From “Men In Black”
If you’ve seen “Men In Black,” then you know that Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones had the ability to reset people’s memory back to any date they wanted using that flashy little stick called a “neuralyzer”. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to buy Brady one of these puppies and dial it back to, oh, say, maybe Feb. 4, 2012?
As someone who’s had the misfortune of scrolling through page after page of photos from the fateful evening of Feb. 5, 2012 at Lucas Oil Stadium, I can say with a good degree of confidence that nothing good can come from thinking of that night. Sure, Brady may find some inspiration to win this season’s Super Bowl based on how close he got last year, but let’s save the man some pain and just wipe out that memory.
(If you want another movie gift, how about whatever Bruce Wayne had in “The Dark Knight Rises” that allowed him to break all the cameras of the paparazzi as he entered an event? That’s something Brady would probably enjoy having.)
9. A Nearly Shut Window
The most popular saying on sports radio and in the media regarding Brady’s Super Bowl hopes is that his “window is closing.” Yes that window is closing despite the fact that he has more weapons at his disposal than ever before, that the league’s rules have shifted to greatly benefit teams that pass and that he threw for a career-high 5,235 yards last year. That window is nearly shut!
So stop by J.B. Sash & Door and pick up Tom a nice window that’s nearly shut. In a locker room that’s always embraced the “nobody believes in us” mantra, you might help inspire Brady a little more this season.
8. Patriots Sleeping Mask
The tabloids and gossip sites are saying that Brady and Gisele are expecting another child, which is great for them. But if this little guy or gal enters the world during football season, then we’ve got a serious problem here in New England. Tommy needs his beauty rest if he’s going to be able to play every Sunday.
This Patriots-themed sleeping mask seems like the most functional of gifts on this list.
Sorry, Gisele, but you’re going to have to handle the late-night and early-morning feedings and crying-baby sessions. At least until February.
In case you forgot, Brady is now a brother-in-law to former Red Sox fan favorite Kevin Youkilis. That means they’ll likely share some holiday meals together, and as much as Boston loved Youkilis, fans have to admit that he wasn’t always the most pleasant man to look at.
It’s one thing to have gallons of sweat pouring down your goateed face when you’re facing CC Sabathia in July, but it’s a horse of a different color when you’re dousing Brady’s fancy tablecloth while housing Aunt Milda’s meatballs at Thanksgiving dinner. The sight can certainly steal your appetite right away from you.
Brady is now family with Youk, so there’s no getting rid of him, but there’s always the next best thing – not looking. A set of blinders (these ones even look fashionable) can help Brady focus squarely on his delicious holiday meal without having to try to decipher where Kevin’s chin beard ends and where Betsy’s sweet potatoes begin.
6.An Emmy/Oscar-Worthy Role
Tom Brady has won Super Bowls and MVPs and he’s set plenty of passing records. He has accomplished almost everything there is to accomplish on a football field, but it’s clear that’s not enough for him. And he made that very clear with his virtuoso performance in the FunnyOrDie video that came out in May.
The comedic performance was universally praised, so perhaps it’s time Brady tackle a dramatic role in his next appearance. Perhaps the creators of “Mad Men” could give him a shot, so Brady would have the chance to add another trophy to his mantel.
5. MORE HATS!!!!
OK, we will all happily admit that Brady looked debonair at the Kentucky Derby this year. It was a solid look. At the same time, Tom, you’ve just got to go back to the hat look. I mean, just look at this. You looked like you could be anything from a shoe shiner to a newspaper salesman to a liquor tycoon during prohibition to a hired assassin to a banjo player in a bluegrass group. The possibilities were literally endless. Let’s get you some more hats!
4. A Mirror
Not to harp too much on the style thing here, but whether you like it or not, one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time also happens to be a bit of a male model. So everything’s on the table here.
So I’d like to suggest the simple gift of a mirror. Maybe a handheld one or maybe one that fits in his locker, it doesn’t really matter.
We just have to make sure that the fauxhawk thing doesn’t happen again.
Please. Do it for the kids.
3. A Big Bubble
So Mr. Brady enjoys himself some death-defying stunts in Central America. With a brazen disregard for his safety and his health heading into the 2012 season, Brady bravely leapt off a rock that was at least five feet away from the water before plunging into the unknown waters. This man is clearly reckless and must be controlled!
But if he can’t be stopped, he could at least be safer. He should be jumping off these rocks from inside a bubble. Get him the same model that Jake Gyllenhaall used in “Bubble Boy,” and hey, guess what?! It helped Gyllenhaall get much bigger roles, so the bubble just might help get Brady that dramatic acting role from earlier! This is truly turning out to be the best birthday ever.
2. Cable Subscription
Brady has gone on the record to say he doesn’t watch too much TV. It makes sense – between practice, games, studying film and living a family life, there’s not too much time to plop down on the sofa and catch up on “Breaking Bad.”
But still, make sure Tom is tuned in to ESPN this week. The over-the-top, wall-to-wall, 24/7 coverage of Jets training camp (and all the drama that comes with it) is sure to put a smile on Brady’s face. And Brady probably won’t mind seeing that he’s no longer the target of Antonio Cromartie’s trash talk, as that role has been transferred to Cromartie’s own teammates.
1. Mardi Gras Beads
Let’s be honest – Brady has everything in the world. The only thing he really wants is more championships.
What better way to have a daily reminder of this year’s Super Bowl being in New Orleans than a set of Mardi Gras beads to hang in Tom’s locker?