By Michael Pitts
“He’s a loathsome offensive brute, yet I can’t look away.” There is no denying the lunacy of Cosmo Kramer; however, if you stop for a minute and try to take him seriously, you may find that he has a lot to offer in an entrepreneurial sense. New ideas and inventions can help make our lives a little easier. Cosmo Kramer had a knack for coming up with the next breakthrough in the “how-to-get-rich-quick” craze. Here are some of Kramer’s most interesting and innovative inventions from Seinfeld.
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Episode #98: The Doorman”
Kramer calls it “the bro,” Frank calls it “the manssiere,” I call it the greatest idea I’ve ever heard. If I don’t hit the gym soon I may be calling Kramer to order my own. With the United States being the most obese country in the world, I’m sure this product would get a lot of use here. Maybe Kramer should start selling it outside fast food establishments across America.
Episode #31: The Pez Dispenser”)
I’m still trying to channel my senses into coming up with what Kramer had in mind for a “beach” smelling cologne. When I think of a beach smell the first thing that comes to mind is low tide. Frankly, I don’t know anyone who wants to smell like that kid from 2nd grade who only showered once every three weeks.
Episode #5: “The Stock Tip”
When I sit down to eat, there’s a 100% chance I’m spilling something on my clothes, absolute guarantee. Now, I don’t often wear a shirt and tie while I eat, but think of all those businessmen who do on a daily basis. Tailor this product to the Wall Street types and big bankers and you could make a fortune. After all, no one wants to show up to a business meeting with a stain on their tie. I’m sure that warrants immediate dismissal or something like that.
Episode #150: “The Voice”
Now, in my opinion the Oil Tanker Bladder is one of Kramer’s finest invention ideas. I’m sure BP would agree.
Episode #71: The Cigar Store Indian”
Hey, this idea landed him on Regis and Kelly, so I have to give Kramer a little credit here. I think the public’s obsession with celebrities would actually make this idea a success. I mean, people keep napkins, tissues, and toilet paper used by celebrities, right? I’m sure they would be ecstatic to know about their coffee tables.
Episode #4: Male Unbonding”
When I was eight or nine years old I remember going to a restaurant where, more or less, you “made your own pie.” However, it was run a little differently than Kramer’s imagination would have it. The dough was already pounded and rolled into a circle, all I had to do was throw some cheese and a couple ‘roni’s on there call it a day. Then the waiter came and took it away, bringing it back twenty minutes later cooked. At Kramer’s restaurant, after putting the toppings on your pizza, he would have customers “slide it right into the oven.” I’m gonna have to side with George on this one, and suggest “you can’t have people shoving their hands into a 600 degree oven!” The F.D.A. and Board of Health would come down hard on Kramer for this idea.
Episode #126: The Invitations”
There is nothing more annoying than being stuck in traffic. Actually, finding out that the reason you are stuck in traffic is because everybody is craning their necks to see an accident, or someone who got pulled over, now that just grinds my gears. I mean, how nosey can people be! Okay I have a confession; I’m guilty of doing this as well. But, think of how mediated traffic would be if cars had periscopes to check out what’s going on up ahead before you actually get there…then, when you get there, you won’t even need to look, you just keep driving.