BOSTON (CBS) — Like many of us, Tom Brady is obsessed with football. Unlike many of us, he has a really good excuse: It’s his livelihood.
But as of 4pm on Saturday, that livelihood is being taken away from him for a month because of that ridiculous 18-month dramedy known as DeflateGate. Brady has to stay away from anything related to the New England Patriots and the NFL for four long weeks, the kind of punishment that could drive a man mad.
Let’s be clear of one thing: Brady is already a little cuckoo. Obsession with football aside, he is way too serious about his workout regimen and even crazier when it comes to his diet. Those aren’t necessarily bad things, especially when those attributes come from the face of a franchise vying for a championship every season. But take away something that someone loves so dearly, and you’re asking for them to lose it a little.
It’s not just game days and practices that he’ll have to fill during his month-long timeout from the NFL. Brady is one of the first players arriving at Gillette and one of the last to leave, so those are a lot of hours he will have to fill.
Sure, he’ll have throwing sessions with anyone who wants to catch a pass from the GOAT and may even try to pull a Bobby Valentine to get into Gillette. He can even hang out with Rob Ninkovich, who on Friday was also hit with a four-game suspension.
But here are a few other ways Brady can pass the time during his four-week vacation from the NFL.
Imagine getting ready for the Gillette Stadium opener on Sunday, September 18, with all the proper tailgating accouterments when a really fancy SUV pulls up next to you in the parking lot. Out pops Tom Brady with some of his entourage, who quickly set up a table and line it with the healthiest tailgating spread you’ll ever see. After Brady loads up on all the stuff that is good for his metabolism and will likely add 30 more years to his life, maybe he’ll even have one of your famous honey-glazed ribs or two. That’s unlikely, but maybe he’s enjoying a bit of a cheat day that Sunday.
Then Brady grabs a fancy cucumber water (because it’s way too early to get lubed up for a game) and after a nice relaxing sit in a portable recliner, starts humming a Nerf ball from lot 10 to some unsuspecting Kan-Jammers in lot 11. He could walk around like the king of the place (though just far enough away from the stadium to avoid any repercussions) and instead of everyone taking a good luck shot just before making their way into the stadium, they all down a spoonful of avocado ice cream.
Is that just a foolish dream I have the night before hitting up a Pats game as a fan? Maybe (but only once or twice). But who knows, it could become a reality for some lucky fans this season, all thanks to Roger Goodell. Who says the commish never does anything for Patriots fans?
Go See Big Papi
The Red Sox will be on the West Coast when Brady’s ban begins, but he’ll have nine opportunities to go see David Ortiz one final time at Fenway Park, including Ortiz’s final home game on October 2 (when he can’t be at Gillette to watch the Pats host the Bills).
Ortiz and Brady will go down as two of the greatest champions in Boston sports, so it would be fitting for Brady to check out one of Ortiz’s final games. Plus he’ll probably be able to work out some nice seats, just as long as he promises not to wear his San Francisco Giants hat (or that dreaded Yankees hat he’s worn from time to time).
Hit Up The Alma Mater
Brady will have four potential Michigan football games to attend during his suspension and they’re all at The Big House, as the Wolverines host UCF, Colorado, Penn State and Wisconsin. We know for sure that he’ll be at one of them:
Fantasy Football Hotline
As crazy as Brady is when he plays in real football games, the average Joe and Judy are just as psychotic when it comes to fantasy football. So if Brady is expecting some sleepless nights during his ban, he should start a 24/7 fantasy football hotline.
Who knows if Brady would actually have helpful advice, but if he ends every call with “Boomshakalaka,” then sign us up.
Help People Close Their Pool For Season
Summer is essentially over and it’s time to start closing your pool before an endless amount of leaves start to descend and turn it into some kind of swampy mess. Tom Brady is a man who knows a thing or two about the very best pool covers, so who better to ask for some assistance? An actual pool guy is probably a better option, but they won’t be wearing a Super Bowl championship ring, or four, when they do the job.
Write A Pilot
Brady is teaming up with Michael Strahan to produce some sports documentaries, but really, those two should brainstorm and come up with a sitcom. Something about one of them becoming the other’s butler would be an instant hit.
This should be an easy one, and Brady probably already has his list of names somewhere, whether it’s been scribbled on a cocktail napkin or written on a stone slab in blood.
We’re not asking for anything too crazy, like Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison, and it really should extend further than Goodell because he certainly doesn’t want to give off a Ray Finkle kind of vibe. But is Tom starts to go a little Ayra Stark on everyone, it’ll help fill the void until the next season of Game Of Thrones.
Get A Haircut
If for no other reason than to shut the entire internet up, just go with a boy’s regular. It is back-to-school season, after all.