Outrageously Insane Patriots DeflateGate Conspiracy Theories
BOSTON (CBS) - We have a real life game of Clue on our hands here, folks -- a murder mystery without the murder (that we know of).
We may never know who framed Roger Rabbit, if Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone or if Tupac is still alive, but I'm determined to get to the bottom of DeflateGate if it's the last thing I do.
Here are my 7 suspects:
Backup QB Jimmy Garoppolo
Garoppolo, New England's 2014 second round pick (62nd overall), started 8 games his freshman year at Eastern Illinois and never NOT started another game in his college career.
He gets drafted by the Patriots, sees Tom Brady in his way of a starting role and waited until Super Bowl week to let his diabolical plan unfold. He KNEW the starter's ball preference and PURPOSELY deflated the pigskins KNOWING the fingers would point to Brady!
Prince Aladdin? Or Jafar?!
Believability Scale: 9/10
Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels
Josh McDaniels is tired of interviewing for jobs ONLY to be told, "No, we're all set."
He's had enough. He's fed up.
So what does he do?
He STICKS a little needle in New England's footballs, knowing Belichick and his past history with Spygate would be the focus of all the scrutiny. Owner Robert Kraft gets tired of defending Belichick, so he FIRES him and promotes McDaniels.
Believability Scale: 8/10
Patriots Ball Boy
Besides Brady and the referees, nobody touches the football more in-game than the ball boy.
After a long season, the Patriots ball boy just could not bear the weight of having 12 heavy footballs in his bag. To make life easier on himself, and to avoid that weekly trip to the chiropractor, he took 2 pounds per square inch out of each ball.
Or maybe he's a secret double agent working for the Colts. I'd believe anything at this point.
Believability Scale: 7/10
WR Julian Edelman
Once you get the taste of throwing a touchdown pass in the NFL, it's impossible to go back to wide receiver.
Julian Edelman got that taste in the divisional round against Baltimore, and even though he's best friends with Brady, the need to once again play quarterback full-time was too great, throwing loyalty to the wind in the process.
Believability Scale: 5/10
Head Official Walt Anderson
Walt Anderson, a la Tim Donaghy, needed to square up with his bookie.
How do you do that? You fix the game.
Anderson knew the Colts would get smoked no matter what, so he came up with an elaborate plan to deflate the footballs, leak the story to the Indianapolis writer and hope to God the NFL banished the Patriots from contending in the Super Bowl.
So far, Walt's plan has been a failure.
Believability Scale: 10/10
Head Coach Bill Belichick
36-44. That's Bill Belichick's head coaching record without Tom Brady at quarterback.
He's TIRED of hearing, "Belichick was nothing before Brady came along."
Belichick has always wanted to prove he can win without Brady to finally put those doubters to rest, so he drafts a capable, mobile quarterback in Jimmy Garoppolo and trades his best lineman before the season so Brady gets injured.
That didn't work, so Belichick was forced to sit and wait for the right opportunity, which finally presented itself during the AFC Championship game.
Fans and media are smart enough to know the coach would never tamper with the game footballs, and that ball preference is completely up to the quarterback.
Fingers point to Brady, NFL suspends Brady for wrongdoing and BOOM here comes Jimmy G to save the day, and prove ONCE AND FOR ALL that Bill Belichick in fact MADE Tom Brady, not the other way around.
Believability Scale: 10/10
QB Tom Brady
When he's not dancing at Carnival or going down water slides, Tom Brady is an intense person.
So intense, in fact, that it still eats him alive he restructured his contract only to have the team mess around with Wes Welker -- his best friend -- in contract negotiations, and ultimately not re-sign him.
Brady too is tired of hearing, "Belichick made him! He was the last pick of the 6th round!"
Knowing Belichick's history and perception around the league, Brady deflated the footballs not only because he prefers them that way, but because he knew no matter what, his head coach would get put on the cross.
Believability Scale: 7/10
As previously stated, I won't rest until I crack the case. Until then, enjoy this creepy X-Files music:
Read more from Andrew Celani by clicking here, or find him on Twitter @CelaniSays!
