Here are the questions:
1. You are Bruins general manager Peter Chiarelli. After a disappointing early round playoff exit, you have a lot of difficult decisions to make this offseason — one being unrestricted free agent Jarome Iginla. Do you want to bring him back?
Jones as Chiarelli: “Yes. I want him back on that first line with David Krejci and Milan Lucic. They were arguably the best line in the regular season in all the NHL, or certainly among the best lines. I’ve been known to be a swashbuckler at the trade deadline, so if it proves that Iginla has aged or isn’t playing at that high level I’ll go out and get the piece I need at the deadline. You media members don’t have faith in me, but my track record speaks for itself: Mike Mottau, Greg Zanon, Tomas Kaberle, Corey Potter, Andrej Meszaros!”
2. You are Brooklyn Nets forward Paul Pierce. The Miami Heat just bounced you in the playoffs in five games. You’re contract is up and you will be a free agent this summer, so are you going to be back with the Nets?
Jones as Pierce: “I will be. Me and Kevin Garnett get dealt to Brooklyn and we’re gonna go out as a team. We’re gonna take another run at Miami next year. We lost in five games this year, and it was a tough series. We still want to take out Ray Allen — he got us pretty good. It’s tempting to go back to Los Angeles [with Doc Rivers], or maybe if Boston does anything this offseason I’ll go back and finish by career there, but right now I’m staying with KG in Brooklyn.”
3. You are Knicks president Phil Jackson. You have a head coaching vacancy, and your top choice, Steve Kerr, just agreed to a deal with Golden State. Who is at the top of your coaching list now?
Jones as Jackson: “It’ll be somebody in my pipeline. I don’t go outside my pipeline. Maybe Mark Madsen or Luc Longley.”
4. You are Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. You’re getting up there in age, and your team just drafted Jimmy Garoppolo in the second round. How do you feel about that?
Jones as Brady: “Here’s my thoughts on Jimmy Garoppolo: Rohan Davey, Kevin O’Connell, Ryan Mallett, Zac Robinson, Kliff Kingsbury — those are my thoughts on Jimmy Garoppolo. Just another quarterback here to back me up.”
5. You are NBA commissioner Adam Silver. The NBA draft combine is this week and many of the top prospects are skipping out. Is there anything you can do about it?
Jones as Silver: “I have bigger fish to fry. I haven’t really been good at closing as you can see with this Donald Sterling thing. I had a very well written statement but there hasn’t been a lot of bark to my bite. So no, there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m a little weaker than I project.”