BOSTON (CBS) – Dear Mark Zuckerberg:
Thanks for nothing. After it seemed that I had finally made it to the top of my class in life with a Facebook page consisting of five thousand “friends” (most of whom hail from developing countries, own saloons or appear to be more feline than human), I’ve been slammed, no make that catapulted, back to earth, the social media rug wrenched from beneath me. I equate what has happened to the disastrous collapse of the September 2011 Red Sox team or the team’s start to this season for that matter—- without a $175,000,000.00 payroll of course.
Now Mark, I by no means blame you directly or anyone on your staff (all of whom are out yacht shopping as I write this) for the fact that I was hacked by some evil cowardly cyberpunk with multiple piercings and unquestionably poor hygiene. I realize this kind of mischievous stuff happens to hundreds of thousands of your faithful customers every day. But instead of allowing me to “reset my password,” and go about my day with a clean start– the easy one-step directions e-mailed to me by your crack staff of 1 percent types didn’t take. I have seen my personal Facebook page scuttled—all of my pictures, messages and contacts eviscerated, blasted into the limbo of cyberspace. Analysis Mr. Spock? Scanners indicate no life forms present, Captain. Five years of careful social-media cultivation down the drain. I still retain the official Jordan Rich Show page thankfully, not that I am able to currently access it to let my few remaining Facebook loyalists know where I am or how I’m doing. Granted, everyone knows where I am and how I’m doing—they simply tune to my nationwide radio show or call me on one of those antiquated devices with a receiver. I know Mark. Stuff happens and since no blood was spilled during the ordeal I’m not overly concerned. In fact, lightening the load by letting one of my pages get blasted to smithereens is just what the doctor ordered for my body, soul, and time management practice. But it would be just so nice to reach someone (anyone with a pulse and/or voice box) at FB headquarters who could talk me through a fix. Millions are hacked annually, yet after days of research, I’ve yet to speak with anyone else who has a problem akin to mine. Hopefully this letter will find its way to you and you’ll take pity on this poor hacked up soul.
Postscript…I enjoyed the movie about you by the way. Do you really think and talk that fast? I’d suggest switching to decaf.
Onto one more joyous event connected to the recent debacle. My e-mail account was also disrupted by a hellish hacker. Folks, don’t make the mistake of contacting the wrong AOL Technical Squad toll free service. I did and wasted two hours with someone overseas who nearly had me convinced that my computer was laden with the worst security footprint on the planet and that it essentially offered up a beautifully wrapped gift of material to any and all junior Wiki-Leakers out there. And, that only the purchase of super duper one-of-a-kind protection software offered exclusively by this technical team would do the trick to the tune of $400.00 for just the one computer. For the second computer networked at home I was told, “A bargain sir. My manager tells me he will toss the second one in for just $200.00, saving you an incredible $199.00. It is definitely your lucky day Mr. Jordan.” Let’s see, for a mere $600.00 I can retrieve my e-mail and enjoy the same firewall of protection as the CIA, eh?
I grew suspicious (can’t put one over on old Sherlock here) when the man with the foreign accent informed me that my neighborhood computer technician who scrubs my machines regularly knows nothing and is a threat to my very existence AND that none of my addresses, numbers or security questions matched anything on my long running AOL file. So it was time to graciously bow out after a wasted afternoon and some choice North American parting words that felt very satisfying to say.
I then searched and found what turned out to be the official AOL Fraud hotline – key word FRAUD – and within five minutes I was back online with a highly secretive password that I have promptly forgotten.
The bottom line is that this interlinked world which allows us to connect in so many directions is guaranteed to drive everyone crazy, even more so when those with nefarious aims go hack-happy on us. It pains me to admit that I’m just another unwitting victim among millions ensnared in this tangled web with few clues to getting out. So I plan on printing out this letter and mailing it directly to Mr. Zuckerberg’s office, along with a letter to whomever or whatever exists at AOL. I’ll do it the old fashioned way, using a stamped envelope that I’ll personally pop into an actual mailbox. Hopefully I won’t be online too long searching for snail mail addresses for these technical gurus. Assuming such snail mail addresses exist which could be wishful thinking.
Here’s what you can do. Visit Facebook and my existing page “The Jordan Rich Show.” Press the “like” button and help lessen the pain.