Wild Red Sox Rumors We Haven’t Heard
BOSTON (CBS) – Let’s face it, Yawkey Way’s got more drama than the Desperate Housewives are causing on Wisteria Lane.
Ownership interference? Happens. A general manager coveted by another team? Sure. A manager ready for a change of scenery? All the time.
But that manager living in a hotel all season, estranged from his wife and popping pills? Pitchers not only drinking and eating fried chicken in the clubhouse during games, but also boozing in the dugout? An owner not wanting to sign a high-profile guy who’s going to be around another six years?
C’mon, that’s Aaron Spelling stuff!
Tack on a leak in the front office, the star second baseman being perceived as a teacher’s pet, two free agent signings worth $300 million saying they were shocked at their new team’s unprofessionalism, and one of those guys telling a reporter to “go ask the captain” in regard to not playing due to a “strained neck.”
More From Adam Kaufman: NBA: Nothing But Apathy
By the way, if you’re scoring at home, Manny Ramirez’s grandmother just died again.
Look, not all of these things necessarily happened. Some of it could just be gossip generated by media, team personnel, me or anyone else looking for a distraction or a way to put a “Kick Me” sign on someone’s back on the way out the door.
Who cares? We want more, and we’re gonna need a 12-step program just to move on.
So, with that we’ve got a special treat this week – 20 more news items from this Red Sox team that you haven’t heard anywhere else.
Enjoy…but, I swear, if any of this stuff comes true, I’m buying a lottery ticket.
1) Daisuke Matsuzaka will leave as a free agent and, upon signing with his new team back in Japan, will reveal that he was actually just here as a foreign exchange student for the last five years.
2) Adrian Gonzalez divided the clubhouse by demanding everyone hold hands in prayer prior to each game, which was always met with a raised eyebrow by Kevin Youkilis.
3) J.D. Drew told agent Scott Boras he didn’t care about the money anymore, even in a contract year. Enough was enough in Boston after five seasons of no one accepting his Facebook friend requests.
4) John Lackey asked ownership in early October if the team would buy a Popeye’s cart to be placed outside of Gate D next season, but he was told it may not be a good time.
5) The whole team went out for a night with Bruin’s forward Brad Marchand in Faneuil Hall after the B’s won the Cup back in June…and then again when he returned for training camp in early September.
6) The Angels had the rally monkey and the Cardinals have the squirrel. The Red Sox had a rally hobo, but he was usually passed out drunk by the ninth inning. Let’s be honest, dude was asleep by the second.
7) During the season, Jonathan Papelbon told a teammate if the season ever ends with him on the mound again, he’d kill somebody. Believing his intense stare, many are quietly waiting and hoping he doesn’t have purple lipstick and a list like Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison.
8) Red Sox management was sent into a frenzy after Josh Beckett, John Lackey and Jon Lester were photographed on an Anheuser-Busch factory tour when out in St. Louis to take in a World Series game.
9) Hideki Okajima spent the final month of the season walking around Pawtucket and muttering to himself, “Seriously…Kyle Weiland?” Consequently, it’s the only English he knows. In other news, there’s likely no truth to the rumor that Okie tried to then stab himself in the chest with a sword but, like with the strike zone, missed wildly and did not hit any major organs or arteries.
10) Alfredo Aceves offered David Ortiz $2,500 to suggest to the media he should be in the starting rotation.
11) After three days in Boston, Erik Bedard asked general manager Theo Epstein to trade him back to Seattle. When Epstein said no, Bedard started a blog called, “Baltimore: The Glory Years.”
12) Jon Lester wasn’t drinking with teammates because he was being social. He actually started because he found out John Henry’s wife, Linda Pizzuti, has almost as many Twitter followers as he does.
13) David Ortiz first mentioned his willingness to play for the Yankees next year once he heard the Sox were considering former third base coach Dale Sveum as the new manager.
14) Terry Francona and Dustin Pedroia played cribbage in the manager’s office before every game. While they were in there, the pitching staff was playing Kings.
15) Daniel Bard didn’t have some mental meltdown late in the season, but he did start hanging out with Craig Hanson and the bad luck may have just rubbed off.
16) After being widely criticized last season by Kevin Youkilis for how he managed his time while injured, Jacoby Ellsbury got a voodoo doll of Youk and slept with it every night after this year’s All-Star break.
17) Marco Scutaro, inspired by his great season average and the movie Mr. 3000, is opening a shop on Newbury Street called, “Mr. 299’s…Seriously, Guys, I Hit .299 This Year!”
18) Remember in the Lethal Weapon movies when Murtaugh’s always telling Riggs he’s “too old for this (crap)” but he never actually leaves? That’s what Mike Cameron said to Dustin Pedroia on his way out the door after deciding he couldn’t handle all the partying.
19) Daniel Nava declined a September call-up because he had a date with Erin Andrews, after she finally picked up the tickets he kept leaving her at Will Call down in Pawtucket.
20) When Carl Crawford first signed with Boston, he introduced himself to John Henry and the owner responded by saying, “How in the hell…?”
Like I said, it’s likely these things didn’t happen. Most of them, anyhow. Either way, this has already been an absolutely crazy offseason. Maybe you’re tired of it, but I can’t wait to hear what comes out next!
Adam Kaufman, a native of Massachusetts, joined the Sports Hub as an on-air personality in June 2011. He has worked as a television and radio anchor and broadcaster for various outlets since 2004, and his written views on sports and entertainment have appeared on NESN.com and in the New England Hockey Journal. You can follow him on Twitter @AdamMKaufman.