BOSTON (CBS) – I scratch at my slowly graying temples these days and wonder, “Where in the Good Lord’s name is this thing we call society heading?” When two thirds of born and bred Americans flunk the basic citizenship test (not exactly Mensa level questions such as ‘when was the Declaration of Independence adopted’ or ‘who is the current vice president’), when our illustrious commander-in-chief wins a Nobel peace prize a week into the gig and proceeds to step things up on one of two existing wars and start a third one, when Barry Bonds expects us to believe that it was some kind of rare coconut oil that caused his biceps to bulge and testicles to shrink, well we have ourselves some nagging issues folks.
I could take up column space this week reflecting on the national debt which is currently $14,253,731,125,619.00. Clarification. That was that amount 2.6 seconds ago. It has since risen (in the time it took me to type “it has since risen”) by about 300 thousand dollars. Safe to say, by the time you finish reading these words we’ll add enough debt to add worry lines to even the most confident of Chinese government banking officials.
But the story of the week that can only lead to the use of the word ridiculous comes to us from the heartland of America— Omaha, Nebraska. From there, the city’s first son and duly elected mayor traveled to Washington, D.C. which doesn’t bode particularly well for Omaha or the rest of us. Why? Well, his honor came to the conclusion that in order for cities like Omaha to pay for multibillion-dollar sewer projects (hold onto to your seats – all puns intended) the federal government should impose a 10-cent tax nationwide on toilet paper. Yes my fellow countrymen. They’ve crafted a proposal to tax that which is so personal yet so vital to the safety and security of our nation. Now, to be fair, Mayor Suttle (I kid you not, that is his name…about as subtle as a plunger) learned of this idea from a failed 2009 House measure sponsored by an Oregon congressman and the mayor has gone on record to say, “Well this is simple. Let’s put it on the table. It doesn’t mean I endorse it.”
There’s a bloodless revolution brewing but it won’t be from any Tea Party or senior citizen AARP voting bloc dear friends. If such a bill to tax bathroom tissue (the politically correct label for the aforementioned product) passes, the citizenry will have no choice but to open up their bathroom windows and scream, “I’m mad as hell and I don’t want to take this anymore!”
First they took away our commodes with the right amount of water to insure success. All to save water and protect our environment. How much more water has to be sacrificed in the “cleanup” process that is so often necessary after a disastrous event caused by your growing teenager? Let’s not go there. Now Big Brother is threatening to unseat the very essence of our freedom.
Remember that old Robin Williams movie “Moscow on the Hudson” from the early 1980’s? It’s rather dated, the story of a Russian immigrant during the Cold War coming to America and discovering, among other things, the rich treasures of our nation that his mother country just didn’t have in any great amount. Not streets paved with gold but supermarkets stocked with thousands of treats including perhaps the piece de resistance – readily available toilet paper.
What are we in for if such a tax is enacted? Rationing? God help us…people going without? A tax law like that wouldn’t be worth the paper it is written on. (Sorry, I’m unable to resist the temptation). The hard working citizens of the U.S. would have to say enough is enough. They can continue to squeeze the Charmin, but must stop squeezing overburdened taxpayers!
The ultimate irony is that Mayor “not so” Suttle, thinks that placing a tax on toilet paper is a reasonable way to battle the high cost of public sewerage. Think of it. You’re already paying through the roof for everything in your bathroom from the water, heat, electricity and newspapers to Lysol, Glade and Tidy Bowl. Placing further taxes on one of the most necessary items for human survival merely screams of governmental gauging. A royal flush with the dealer stacking the deck against us.
Big government is everywhere. I say keep it out of my bathroom. My fellow citizens, don’t take this sitting down. Calling for no new taxes in this one area is a cause we Americans should all get behind. I will end my rant here seeing that I simply cannot control my urge to inflict horrible puns on you all. Thank you.